— Austin, Texas

Jacob has taken to the news today with his encounters with extra terrestrial life. As we understand he enjoys being anally probed by the aliens. We asked Jacob whether he was under the influence of alcohol during the probing, he replied “Fuck yes! They got my favorite stuff on standby”. We will leave it down to the viewers to work out that response. Here is a statement we received by Jacob.

”So I’m not gonna lie I get fingered by ET for science. Like, he don’t look like ET from the films or no shit but he is an ET. Sometimes he uses cables up there, maybe sometimes even dolly heads. But the point is he gives me single malt while I help with silence so hell yeah!”

It is safe to assume that this individual is clinically unwell, either way we wish Jacob alll the best.